Sad but true that while MS is not my life, it controls an awful lot of the decisions that I make and actions that I take. I don't think that the reality of this hit me at first.
My lower legs and feet had gone numb. At first, I suspected that I had pinched a nerve in my back and it would pass if I took enough ibuprofen. Five MRIs later, I thought it was going to be one of those phantom things that the doctors can never explain but seem to take care of itself over time. I didn't like the first Neurologist that I saw, so I went to one that had treated my daughter for her migranes. I liked his personality and calm demeaner. He reasoned with me that the only way that we could rule out a number of other possibilities was to have a spinal tap. A SPINAL TAP!?! You know where they put a really long needle in your back and you could have a bad "spinal headache" if the hole didn't close up completely, as happened to my dear daughter. After his assurance that he would use a finer needle and take every precaution, I consented to be his human pin custion. Three weeks later on April 24, 2004, the verdict was in. I have MS.
The interesting thing about hearing the diagnosis is that even though you have an answer to the question, you have no relief or satisfaction. I'm sure to those who suffer from symptoms for many years, it is a relief to finally know what the has been the cause. I knew very little about MS and what I was hearing, I didn't like. At first, I didn't want to talk to other people who had MS because I obviously wasn't like them. The only problem with that reasoning was that I exactly like them.
I was trying to figure out whether to go on meds. I was trying to figure out how to make it through an 8 hours day AND get all the family stuff done. I was trying to figure out how to battle rubber arms and legs in the heat. I was trying to figure out what happened to my reasoning and clear thinking. I was trying to keep my balance. All of a sudden, I realized how much comfort I received from "talking" to MSers. They really had good advice on dealing with the summer heat and fatigue, on the meds and side effects, and could sympathize with the bad days or weeks (as the case may be).
As I started to get past my denial, I wasn't as afraid of MS taking over my life. Yes, I have to respect the limitations that MS brings and I have to plan my actions a little more, but I can honestly say, MS is not my life.
